Sick Jokes

These jokes are tasteless and disgusting. Don’t read them if you don’t like the sound of that. I used to get a lot of hatemail because of these things.

 


Q. What do a marriage and a tornado have in common?A. They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing and when they’re done, you’ve lost your house.


 

A beautiful lady was standing on top of one of the twin towers enjoying the view. When she saw a plane crash into the building she was on, she started to panic. So she decided to jump. She screamed as she was falling. A guy in the 150th floor was standing by a window & heard the lady screaming. He looked out the window & saw the lady falling, so he put his arms out to catch her. When the lady fell in his arms, she said ‘Oh, thank you sir for saving my life! How can I repay you?’ The man said ‘You will have to suck my cock’. The lady said no, so the man dropped her.

As the lady falls down, another man on the 75th floor hears her screaming. He looked out the window & saw the lady falling, so he put his arms out to catch her. When the lady fell in his arms, the lady said ‘Oh, thank you sir for saving my life, how can I repay you?’ The man said ‘You will have to let me fuck you up the ass.’ The lady refused, so the man drops her. 

So the lady falls down further to her death. Another man on the 50th floor was standing by a window & heard the lady screaming. He looked out the window & saw the lady falling, so he put his arms out to catch her. When the lady fell in his arms, the lady said ‘I will suck your cock & let you fuck me up my ass’. The man looked at the lady & said ‘All I wanted was a thank you, not a whore.’ Then he drops her to her death.


 

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young student replies, “I don’t know I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse are my testicles black?” 

Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says, “There is nothing wrong with them.”

Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies 
“That was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”

 


 

Will’s Career
Will was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.  When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.  “The good news is I can cure your headaches….”

“The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Will was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he has anything to live for.  He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need:  a new suit.”  He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . .size 44 long.”

Will laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Will tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Will admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Will thought for a moment and then said, “Sure . . .”

The salesman eyed Will and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and …16 and a half neck”

Will was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Will tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Will adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Will was on a roll and said, “Sure . . .”

The salesman eyed Will’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half…wide.”

Will was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Will tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.  Will walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Will said, “Sure . . “

The salesman eyed Will’s head and said, “Let’s see. . .7 5/8.”

Will was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Will was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Will thought for a second and said, “Sure . . “

The salesman stepped back, eyed Will’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”

Will laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”


 

While in a hotel room, a man tells a hooker, “I’ve never eaten a woman out before…” The hooker says, “No problem…go ahead!”

The man eats her out for awhile then pulls his haed back, and pulls a piece of carrot out of his mouth. He doesn’t want to embarass himself, so he says nothing and keeps on eating.

A little while later he pulls back again, only to spit out a pea.
Once again…He says nothing.

The third time, he stops eating her out and pulls his head back and spits a small piece of potato into his hand.
He has to ask her, ” Are you sick or something?”

The hooker replies, “No…but the last guy was…”





Raping Special Ed kids is fucking retarded.


Q. What do you get when you stab a baby in the ass with a machete?A. An erection!

 


Q. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?A. A baby combing it’s hair with a potato peeler!


 

Q. How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

A. It depends on how hard you squeeze them.


 

Q. What’s more fun than stapling babies to a wall?

A. Ripping them off again.

 


 

Q. What’s blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A. A baby with a punctured lung.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion.

A. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.

 


 

Q. What has 4 legs and one arm?

A. A Doberman in a children’s playground!

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a baby and a grandmother?

A. Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass.

 


 

Q. Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?

A. So you can see the expression on its face!

 


 

Q. What’s blue and thrashes about on the floor?

A. A baby playing in a plastic bag.

 


 

Q. How do you spoil a baby?

A. Leave it out in the sun.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?

A. I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.

 


 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon… and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

 


 

Q. What’s funnier than a dead baby?

A. A dead baby in a clown outfit.

 


 

Q. How many babies does it take to paint a house?

A. Depends how hard you throw them.

 


 

Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say to a child?

A. Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

 


 

Q. How do you make a dead baby float?

A. Put two dead babies in a glass, ice cream, and coke.

 


 

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”  The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.” 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

 


 

Q. Why did Michael Jackson quit the Cub Scouts?

A. He was up to a pack a day.

 


 

Q. What is the definition of “making love”?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her in the ass.

 


 

Q. What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?

A. They don’t fucking listen. 

 


 

Q. What does R Kelly and a blackjack dealer have in common?

A. Neither will hit anything over 17.

 


 

Q. What’s the best part about fucking 28 year olds?

A. There’s 20 of them!!!

 


 

Q. What’s black and blue and hates sex?

A. A rape victim.

 


 

Q. What’s the worst thing about fucking a 5 year-old?

A. Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a fag and a microwave?

A. A microwave won’t brown your meat.

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?

A. Well, think about it for a second….

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the girl whose grandfather molested her?

A. No one believed her and she became an alcoholic. 

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the guy who got laid off after 30 years with the same company?

A. His wife left him and he killed himself. 

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the black boy that grew up in the ghetto?

A. His family was dirt poor and he never amounted to anything. 

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the woman whose husband beat her?

A. One night he drank too much and killed her. 

 


 

Q. Did you hear the one about the little girl who walked to church?

A. Well, neither will anyone else until they find her mutilated corpse.

 


 

A pedophile and a little girl are walking through the woods at night. The little girl says “Oh, this is so scary!” The pedophile says “You think this is scary? I have to walk out of here alone!”


 

Q. What is easier to unload. A truck load of bricks or a truck load of dead babys?

A. The babies. You can’t unload a truck load of bricks with a pitchfork.

 


 

Two fags are walking on a beach when they come across a magic lamp. One of the fags rubs it to see what it says and a genie comes out of it and grants them three wishes. The one that rubbed it asks for a million dollars. “Poof!” There was a million dollars.
The other asks for every sex toy there is for their sexual pleasure. “Poof!” He also got his wish.
Unsure of the third wish, they asked the genie if they could think about what else they wanted for a while before making the last wish and he agreed.
Later that night they were in bed going at it with all the new toys and a dozen men ran into their room with white sheets on. The men proceeded to tie them up, drag them outside and started putting ropes around their necks. One turned to the other and said “We better ask for our last wish to get out of this mess!” Looking at his lover sob and cry, he says “It’s ok, we’ll get out of this with our last wish.”
His lover still sobbing tells him, “No, you don’t understand, I made the last wish already.”
Stressed and bewildered he asks him, “Whaaat, what do you mean you made the last wish?”
His lover sobbingly says, “I made the last wish; it was that we both be hung like niggers.”

 


 

Q. What’s grosser than gross?

A. Fucking a pregnant lady and having the fetus gives you head at the same time.

 


 

One day a mother and daughter were walking down the street and they saw two dogs humping on the sidewalk. The daughter asked “Mommy, what are those dogs doing?” The mother replies “making cupcakes, honey.”
Later that day they went to the zoo and saw two rhinos humping and the daughter again asked “Mommy, what are they doing?” and the mother replied “Making cupcakes, honey.”
Then the little girl said “You and Daddy must have made cupcakes last night because I licked up a lot of icing off your bed this morning.”


 

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer,and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order.” O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
“Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go well. In this case, things aren’t going so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints.”
After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!” O’Malley said, “I don’t want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.”

 


 

There once was a woman named Dot,
who lived off horse shit and snot.
When she couldn’t find these
she ate green cheese
that she scraped off the sides of her twat.


 

Q. What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A. Christopher Walken.

 


 

A young woman is shopping in the supermarket and has the following in her basket:  1 onion 
1 carot 
1 potato 
1 samosa 
1 lettuce 
1 tomato 
1 stick of celery 
1 chicken breast 
1 chocolate bar 
1 bottle of milk 
1 can of coke 
1 packet of tissues 
1 small microwave meal 

She then joins the queue for the checkout. Behind her, a guy joins the queue and in his basket he has 12 cans of lager, a large pizza and two toilet rolls. A conversations strikes up between them. The guy asks “Single, eh”? The lady blushes and replies “How did you know?”
The guy responds, “Because you’re fucking ugly.”

 


 

One day a 6 year old girl and her dad were sitting in the bath together when the daughter asked, “Dad, how long is it till I get one of those in between my legs?”
The dad replied “In 10 minutes when your mom’s gone to bingo.”


 

Q. What did the old, blind guy say when he walked past the fish market?

A. Good evening ladies.

 


 

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband’s been in a terrible car accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says her husband’s been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. “Mrs. Jones?” the doctor asks.

“Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my husband?”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Not good news. Your husband’s accident resulted in two fractures of his spine.”

“Oh my God” says Mrs. Jones, “what will be his prognosis?”

“Well, Mrs. Jones, his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him.” Mrs. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to
turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.” Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper him as he’ll have no control over his bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.”

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he’ll have no control over his sphincter. His bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he’ll be emitting regularly.”

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fucking with you, he’s dead.”

 


 

Q. What’s a Jewish dilemma?

A. Pork on sale!

 


 

Q. What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

A. He drowns.

 


 

Q. What’s the first thing a woman should do when she leaves the woman’s shelter?

A. The dishes, if she know’s what’s good for her.

 


 

Q. What do anal sex and spinach have in common?

A. If you were forced to have it as a boy you’re going to hate it as an adult.

 


 

Q. What’s the definition of disgusting?

A. Stuffing a dozen oysters up your Granny’s cunt and sucking out 13.

 


 

Q. What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind lady?

A. Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone 

 


 

Q. How do you stop kids from bed-wetting?

A. Give them an electric blanket.

 


 

Q. Who’s always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue?

A. A pedophile in charge of an orphanage.

 


 

A boy asks his father, “Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?” His father replied, “I don’t know. Are you any good?”

 


 

Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?

A. Hey kid, wanna buy a piece of candy?

 


 

Q. What’s blue and doesn’t fit?

A. A dead epileptic.

 


 

Q. Why is taking a good shit better than sex?

A. Because you don’t have to kiss it afterwards!

 


 

Q. What’s green, covered in cookie crumbs, and lies on the side of the road?

A. A dead Girl Scout.

 


 

Q. What’s purple, covered in pus and squeals?

A. A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

 


 

Q. Why do doctors always need hot water when they deliver babies?

A. If the baby dies, they can make some soup.

 


 

Q. What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?

A. An infected pussy on your organ.

 


 

Q. What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A. Cancer.

 


 

Did you know that in this country alone there are over 1/2 million battered women?
Just think……All this time you’ve been eating them plain.


 

I used to be a necrophiliac, but the rotten bitch split on me.


 

In my spare time I like to go to the playground and watch the kids run and shout. They don’t know I’m using blanks.


 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middleof catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a pe
anut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. 
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. 
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?” 
The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law.”

 


 

Q. What’s 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?

A. Crib death.

 


 

Q. How can a man tell if his wife has died?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

 


 

Q. What’s the similarity between a woman and KFC?

A. Once you’re finished with the breast and the thighs, all you’ve got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

 


 

Q. What’s the similarity between a woman’s pubic hair and parsley?

A. You have to push it to one side before you start to eat.

 


 

Q. What’s the best thing about fucking an 8 year old girl?

A. When you’re finished, you can roll her over and pretend she’s an 8 year old boy.

 


 

A woman wakes up and walks down to the kitchen on her 20th wedding anniversary. She finds her husband at the table with his head in his hands.

She says “Honey? What’s wrong?”

He replies “Do you realize if I had just killed you, I’d be getting out today?”

 


 

Q. What’s seven inches long, cold and hard, and makes a woman cry every time?

A. A still-born fetus.

 


 

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body. 
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” 
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. 
“Now do the same,” he instructs. 
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. 
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”


 

Q. Why did God create yeast infections?

A. So women would know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.

 


 

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the Devil. “You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definately have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.” commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said “Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!”

 


 

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. Mega-sore-ass.

 


 

Two gay guys are fucking each other. One of them decides to go and get some drinks.
He tells the other guy “No wanking while I’m gone.”
So he goes downstairs and gets the drinks and when he comes back there is cum all over the bed.
“I thought I told you no wanking while I was away!” he said.
The other man replied “I can’t help it, I farted and it all came out!”


 

Q. Why do Jewish girls like circumcised dicks?

A. Because they are 25% off.

 


 

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her and says, “Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples.”
She says, “Watch it buddy, I’ll have my boyfriend kick your ass.”
He laughs and says, “Alright, why don’t I just give you a big sloppy kiss then.”
She says, “Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my boyfriend kill you.”
“This is my final offer”, he says, “I’ll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt.”
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, “I’ll kill him!”
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he’s pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, “Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my cunt, and drink from me!”
Her boyfriend stops and says “Sorry babe, I can’t fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer.”


 

Q. What do a pair of old pantyhose and Saddam Hussein have in common?

A. They both irritate Bush!

 


 

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men?

A. He thought they were a delivery service.

 


 

Q. What does NASA stand for?

A1. Need Another Seven Astronauts 

A2. Need Another Shuttle Also

 


 

Q. Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?

A. They didn’t know it was going to blow up. 

 


 

Q. Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?

A. Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldn’t get 7-UP. 

 


 

Q. What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?

A. They’re all looking for a tight seal. 

 


 

Q. On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?

A. So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they’ll have a rated officer onboard.

 


 

Q. What would you get if you crossed a boy with a Catholic priest?

A. One happy priest.

 


 

Q. How do you kill a gay guy?

A. Throw his butt plug over the edge of a cliff.

 


 

Q. What was the last sound I heard before I fell asleep last night?

A. My balls hitting your mother on the chin.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

A. I don`t cum all over the apple before I take a bite out of it.

 


 

Q. How does the redneck mother know when her daughter is having her period?

A. Her son’s dick tastes funny.

 


 

Q. How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

A. Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

 


 

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

A. Kick her in the ass and tell her to get back to work.

 


 

I fucked a young girl in a graveyard.
God damn her old soul she was dead.
The maggots crawled out of her asshole
and the hair slipped off of her head.
When I finished the job that I done there
I seen I commited a sin.
So out of my pocket I drew me a straw
and I sucked out the load I shot in.


 

Q. What’s the best thing about eating bald pussy?

A. Putting the diaper back on when you’re done.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a zit and a Catholic priest?

A. The zit waits till you’re 12 to come on your face.

 


 

A man comes home from work and his wife answers the door naked.
“Honey, make me feel like a woman” she says.
So he steps inside and starts taking off all his clothes and throws them in a pile.
He looks back at her and replies “Wash ’em.”


 

Q. What’s the difference between a Corvette and a sack of dead babies?

A. I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

 


 

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

A. They both have little boys pants half off.

 


 

Q. What’s white and old and rapes children?

A. The Pope!

 


 

A RedNeck walked into a lawyer’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The lawyer asked, “May I help you?”
The RedNeck said, “Yea, I want one of those dayvorces.”
The lawyer said, “Well…do you have any grounds?”
The RedNeck replied, “Yes, I got about 140 acres.”
The lawyer said, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”
The RedNeck said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The lawyer said, “You don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?”
The RedNeck said,”Sure I got a grudge, that’s where I parks my John Deere.”
The lawyer said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The RedNeck said, “Oh yes, sir, I got me a suit alright. I wears it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated lawyer said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The RedNeck said, “No, we both get up at 4:30 in the morning.”
The lawyer then said, “Well, is she a nagger or anything?”
The RedNeck said, “No she’s a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a dayvorce.”


 

Q. How do you make a dead baby float?

A. One scoop ice cream, one scoop dead baby.

 


 

Two gays had their car break down on the side of the road.
They see a big Semi coming their direction and they flag him down.
“We’re in need of a ride”, one faggot says, “Can you take us to the nearest rest stop?”
“Come on in” says the driver.
They travel for a bit and one faggot says to his partner, “Honey, I need to fart.”
“Well go ahead babe, but ask the driver first.” So he asks the driver.
“Sure, I don’t mind” says the driver. 
“TOOOOOT” farts the faggot. So they travel a while longer and the other faggot says
“Honey I need to fart.” 
“Well go ahead, but first ask the driver if it’s ok.”
“Ah sure, I don’t mind” the driver says.
Again you hear a “TOOOOOOOOOT!”
So they travel a little longer and now the driver feels one ready to rip out of his own ass.
“Guys, do you mind if I fart?” asks the driver.
“No, go right ahead.” say the faggots.
“PPPPT, PPPPPT,PPPPPPPT, ahhh”
Then the faggots look at each other and yell “VIRGIN!”


 

An American walks into a pub in Scotland and sees this old guy at the bar.
He sits down and orders a drink.
The old guy turns around and says, “Do you see that wall over there?”
The American says “Ya, nice wall.”
“I built that wall.  Do they call me Angus the wall builder? No! And do you see that pier over there. I built that.”
“Ahhhh, thats a lovely pier.”
“Do they call me the pier builder? No.”
“I suppose not.”
“And you see that house over there.  I built that. But they don’t call me the house builder, do they?”
“I guess not.”
“BUT YOU SHAG ONE SHEEP!!!!!!”


 

Q. What’s the definition of relative humidity?

A. Wiping the sweat off your grandmother’s back as you fuck her from behind.

 


 

Q. What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?

A. A flamethrower.

 


 

Q. What do you call a queer in a wheelchair?

A. Roll-AIDS

 


 

Q. Why did God give women cunts?

A. So men would talk to them.

 


 

Q. Why did God give women faces?

A. So you can pick which cunt is yours in a crowd.

 


 

Q. Why did God give women foreheads?

A. So you would have something to kiss after you blow in their mouth.

 


 

Q. Why do brides wear white?

A. All household appliances come in white.

 


 

Q. What do you do when you see your wife running around in the back yard screaming and bleeding?

A. Shoot her again.

 


 

Q. What goes in out in out and stinks of piss?

A. Your Granny doing the hokey pokey.

 


 

There were three boys that loved to shoot dogs with their pellet guns. Their mom said, “If you don’t stop shooting those dogs, something bad will happen.” But they didn’t stop.
So one day their mom put a pellet in each of their bowls of soup. Later that day the
first boy went to the bathroom and pissed out a pellet. He ran to his mom and
said, “Mom, Mom! Guess what!”
“What?” she asked. “I pissed out a pellet.” said the boy.
The second boy does the same, then runs and tells him mom.
Then the third boy goes running to his mom and says, “Mom, Mom, guess what!”
“Let me guess, you pissed out a pellet?” said the Mom.
“No, I was jacking off behind the barn and I shot another dog.”


 

Q. What’s the worst thing about eating 2 year old pussy?

A. Putting the diaper back on!

 


 

Q. What do you call a pair of Asian lesbians?

A. Two Can Chew.

 


 

Q. Why didn’t Superman save the Twin Towers?

A. Because he’s a cripple in a wheelchair.

 


 

Q. What is the medical term for a circumcised rabbit?

A. A hair cut.

 


 

A young couple was talking about them having sex.
“We can do it at my house, oh wait, my parents are going to be home” said the guy.
“Well, my parents are going to be away all week, but I have bunk beds with my little sister” the girl said.
“Thats fine, we’ll do it on Saturday, oh, and one more thing, the codes, if you want me to go faster, just say ham, if you want me to go softer, just say turkey” he said.
Saturday night happened, they were on the top bunk doing it like crazy. The little sister could hear her sister scream out “Ham, turkey, ham turkey”.
Finally the little sister got up and said ” I don’t know why you guys are making sandwiches, but you’re getting mayo all over me!”


 

A kid is in the shower with his mom. She drops the soap and asks him to get it.
He says, “Mom, what’s that?” She says, “That’s just my sponge.”
A week later his mom comes up to him and asks where her sponge is because she wants to scrub down.
The kid says,”I saw it yesterday… some other lady was rubbing it in Daddy’s face.”


 

Q. What do you tell a women with two black eyes?

A. Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice.

 


 

Q. What do you do when your wife comes into the living room and interrupts your football game?

A. Go in the kitchen and shorten her chain.

 


 

Q. How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

 


 

Q. How do you say “bra” in German?

A. Keepsum fromphlopin.

 


 

Q. How do you say “vaseline” in German?

A. Veener schlickum.

 


 

Q. What’s blue and black and doesn’t fit?

A. A dead epileptic!

 


 

A teacher asks, “Which part of the body goes to heaven first?”
A child replies, “The feet. Cuz every night I see my Mommy with her feet in the air screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!”


 

There once was a man named Dave,
who dug up a prostitute’s grave.
She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit,
but look at the money he saved.


 

Q. What’s red and bubbly and scratches at the window?

A. A baby in a microwave.

 


 

Q. What goes plop, plop fizz, fizz?

A. Twins in an acid bath.

 


 

Q. What’s bloody and runs in circles?

A. A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.

 


 

Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

A. To meet his flat mate.

 


 

Q. Why did God put womens’ pussies and assholes so close together?

A. So you can carry them around like a six pack!

 


 

Bob was a bus driver on the midnight shift. He got to the last stop of his run where a nun was waiting to get on the bus. The nun walked all the way to the back of the bus and sat down. Halfway to her stop she approached Bob and asked him if he was married. Bob replied “No I’m not.” The nun then asked him casually “Will you do me a favor then?” Bob replied, “Well that depends on what it is.” The nun then told Bob “Well I have this problem.” “What’s that?” replied Bob. “Well…I want to have sex before I die. But the problem is I can only have anal sex. So I’ll still be a virgin when I die.”
Bob thought about it for a minute and then replied “I guess I could help you out with your problem.” So Bob drove the bus down into a dark alley and proceeded to ‘Help’ the nun with her problem. When they finished Bob looked over at the nun and told her “I have something to confess sister.” “What is it?” The nun replied. “Well I really do have a wife at home waiting for me to get off work.” “Well that’s ok.” The nun replied. “Why?” Bob asked with confusion. “Well I have something to confess too…My name is Jim and I’m on my way to a costume party.”


 

Q. What’s 3 feet tall and gives great head?

A. Your Son.

 


 

Q. What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mama!

 


A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, “Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered, “Uh, yes ma’am. We do.” The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, “D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”

“Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”

“Well yes, ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”

“D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?”

“Yes, ma’am, one of them does.”

“W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”

 


 

Q. How do you know when your woman is too fat?

A. When you can fuck her elbows.

 


A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says “I’m St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven”. The Muslim says “Nice to meet you Peter but I’m a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad.” St. Peter says “Sure, no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.” The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there stands Moses. Moses says “Hi I’m Moses. Welcome to Heaven”. The Muslim is very excited – “Moses, it’s such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I’m a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad”. Moses says “No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.” The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, and he can’t see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks “Who are you?” The figure responds – “I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven”. God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned – he can hardly speak. He says to God “Sir, it is such an honour to meet you – I can’t believe it – this place is great. But I’m a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad.” God says “Oh. You’re here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?” The Muslim says “I would love a cup of coffee” God yells into the kitchen… “Hey Muhammad. two coffees!”

 


Q. What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth? A. Einstein’s cock!


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”


Q. If two gay men died while having sex, who would go to the afterlife first? A. The one on the bottom, because his shit is already packed!


 

Q. What does a redneck call safe sex?

A. Marking the sheep that kick.

 


 

Q. What you you call a cross-breed between a Bulldog and a Shitsu?

A. Bullshit.

 


 

Q. You see five tampons walking down the street. Which one stops and waves?

A. None! They are all stuck up cunts!

 


 

A medical student is doing the rounds with a doctor. In the first room they come to there is a guy lying on the bed madly wanking it. The doctor calmly asks the patient how he is feeling. Is his condition getting any better? etc etc.
When they leave the room the student asks the doctor, “What the hell was going in there?” The doctor replies, “That guy had a rare disease called SBS, sperm build up syndrome.”
Later that day they come to a room where there is a man getting a blow job off a gorgeous nurse. The same thing happens as before… the doctor asks some questions about the patient’s health and walks out. When they get outside the student asks, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”
The doctor replies, “There is an epidemic of SBS going around, but that guy was lucky… he had health insurance.”


 

A woman hasn’t had sex for over 10 years.  No matter what she does, she cant get anyone to fuck her.
Finally, she gets so frustrated that she decides to see a sex therapist.  She opens the yellow pages, and sees a full page ad for Dr Chang, world renowned sex therapist.  “Hmmm, well, he’s got the biggest ad, so he must be the best,” she thinks to herself, then calls and makes an appointment.
When the day finally arrives, she gets to his office and he calls her right in.
“What seem to be the plobrem?” asks Dr Chang.
“I cant seem so get laid, no matter what I try,” says the frustrated woman.
After thinking for a few minutes, Dr Chang replies, “OK, first thing I want you to do is take off all your crothes.”
She strips naked.
“Now get on hand an knee and crawl rearry rearry fast to wall over there.”
She follows his instructions.
“Now turn alound and crawl back to me rearry rearry fast.”
She does this also.
“OK, put your crothes back on.  I fugure out what you have.” says Dr Chang.
“Really?  What is it?  Tell me!!” replies the woman.
Dr Chang replies, “You have Zachary Disease.”
“Zachary Disease?  What the fuck is that?”
Dr Chang replies, “Your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!!!!!!!”


 

A man goes in for an operation to get his penis enlarged.  During the operation the doctor sews a baby elephant’s trunk onto the end of his penis. Two weeks later he is sitting at a bar with this beautiful woman when his dick leaps out of his pants, snatches a roll from the table and disappears back into the man’s pants. “Wow!” says the woman, “Can you do that again?”  “Not for about an hour” he replies, “I don’t think my ass can handle another hard roll.”


 

Q. How did rednecks come up with the name “NASCAR”?

A. Everytime they saw a nice car drive by they would say, “Wow, that sure is a nas car!”

 


 

Procrastination is like masturbation… you’re only fucking yourself.


 

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. A Lickalotopuss

 


 

Q. What do gay men call hemorrhoids?

A. Speedbumps.

 


 

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Pick him up and suck his dick.

 


 

This old guy had never done a 69 before. So he goes down to the local whore house and tells the madam his problem. The madam says she can fix him up for fifty bucks. The old guy gives her fifty bucks and she tells him to go upstairs to the second door on the right. He gets there and opens the door and here is the most beautiful blonde he has ever seen. He tells her he is there to do a 69 with her but that he is not quite sure how to do it. The blonde says, “All we do is both get naked and I put my head between your legs and suck you off while you have your head between my legs licking my pussy.” They both strip down and are going to town when all of a sudden she lets a big, nasty smelling fart rip. He jumps up and says “What the fuck was that all about?” She said she was sorry and it would not happen again. So they start going at again and sure enough she lets another one rip. The old guy jumps again and starts putting his clothes back on. She asks him where he is going. And he says “If you think I’m sticking around for 67 more of those you’re crazy.”


 

There was 2 gay lovers getting ready for work in the morning. One of them started jacking off with a condom on. The other one asked,” What are you doing?”
He replied, “Packing your lunch.”


 

Q. What’s red and sits in a corner going “Wah, wah”? 

A. A baby eating razorblades.




Q. What’s black and sits in a corner? A. The same baby a week later.


Q. What’s the difference between a fag & a freezer?A. The freezer doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out!


There were these two twins, Timmy and Tommy. On Christmas morning, the two of them come scampering down the stairs and find 81 presents under the tree. They begin dividing them up and find that Timmy has 80 presents while Tommy only has one. Timmy begins opening his presents. He gets action figures. He gets video games. He gets movies. Tommy opens his present, and it’s one brand new, shiny red tricycle. Timmy starts tearing through his next forty presents. There’s a computer. There’s a skateboard.  There’s even friggin’ keys to a brand new car! Meanwhile, Tommy gets on his tricycle and starts riding it in little circles in the corner of the room. Finally Timmy gets to his last present. He tears off the wrapping, and it’s the exact same tricycle as Tommy got. He looks up at Tommy and says, “Ha ha, I’ve got eighty presents, and you’ve only got one.” Tommy looks up from his tricycle and says, “Ha ha, I don’t have cancer!”


 

There were these 3 guys who were told if they went into a certain house they would find lots of money, but the house was supposed to be haunted. So the first guy goes in, he walks into the living room and he hears a voice calling out “When I get you, I’m going to eat you!” So he runs and jumps out of the window. The second guy goes into the kitchen. He also hears the noise “When I get you, I’m going to eat you!” so he runs out the back door. So the third guy goes upstairs. He hears the noise but he isn’t scared. He hears it again and again, so he walks to the direction the sound is coming from. Finally he hears the voice coming from a closet. He opens the closet and finds a little kid with his finger up his nose. “When I get you, I’m going to eat you!”


 

Q. What’s the blue stuff dripping down Smurfette’s leg?

A. Smoof.

 


 

The other day I was fucking my girlfriend doggy style.  I was really ramming it in there when I just pulled it out and shoved it straight up her arse. She let out a loud scream and then turned to me and yelled “Hey. That’s a bit fucking presumptuous”.  And I thought, well yeah, it is.  But that’s a big word for an 8 year old.


 

Mr. Wilson looks over his fence to see the neighbor boy, little Billy, filling in a hole in the yard.
He asks, “Little Billy, what are you doing?”
Billy replies, “My gold fish just died and I’m burying him.”
As Billy fills in the last mound of dirt Mr. Wilson asks, “Why do you have such a big hole for just a gold fish?”
Billy answers, “That’s because he’s in your fucking cat!!!!”


 

A sad looking man walks into a bar and places a 12 inch man and a small piano on the bar stool. The small man begins to play the piano when the bartender comes over in amazement and says to him, “Oh my God! Where did you get that?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from his pocket and hands it over to the bartender. “Go ahead, rub it.” he tells the bartender. The bartender rubs the magic lamp and a genie appears. “I’m going to give you one wish!” the genie tells the bartender. The bartender says “I want a million bucks!” The genie snaps his fingers and the bar fills up with one million ducks. “Are you deaf or something!” the bartender yells at the genie, “I wanted a million bucks, not a million ducks!!!” The sad looking man looks over at the bartender and says to him, “I know how you feel, do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!!”


 

A doctor says to his patient in his hospital bed, “I have some bad news and some good news.”
The patient says,”Give me the bad news first.”
“Well,” says the doctor. “Your illness is so severe that we need to amputate both of your arms.”
The patient gasps in horror.
“It is also necessary to amputate both your legs to limit further problems.” The doctor says, “And to save your life we have to remove your tongue.”
Patient in bewilderment says, “No arms, no legs, no tongue, shit that is bad news! What’s the good news?”
The doctor with a smile replies, “See that nurse with the big tits and the tight ass……I’m fucking her tonight!”


 

Q. How many L.A.P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member?

A. None, he fell down.

 


 

Q. What is better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

A. The ability to walk.

 


 

Q. What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla?

A. A retarded gorilla.

 


 

Sam goes to visit his best friend Fred, who is dying of cancer. Fred is in his bed with a sad look on his face. “I’m so sad to see you like this Fred” says Sam. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” “Oh Sam, I’m afraid there is nothing you can do, but if you don’t mind could you go upstairs to my bedroom and get me my slippers?” Sam rushes upstairs to the bedroom and finds Fred’s wife and daughter.
“Fred told me to come up here and have hot sex with both of you!” Sam says to them. “Fred would never say that!!!” The wife screams. “Oh yeah?” replies Sam. “Let me ask him!” Sam shouts downstairs to Fred, “HEY FRED, BOTH OF THEM?” Fred Answers Back “YES, BOTH OF THEM!”


 

Kevin and Peter are hiking in the woods. Kevin gets bitten on the pecker by a snake. Peter goes to get a doctor, but the doctor was busy delivering a baby. The doctor tells Peter his friend will be OK if the poison is sucked out. Peter walks back slowly to his friend and says to him “Well Kevin, after talking to the doctor…..he said…….he said that…….”
“Well what the hell did he say!!” Kevin cries out in pain.
“He said………… you’re gonna die.”


 

Q. What is red, silver, and keeps running into walls?

A. A baby with forks in its eyes.

 


 

Q. What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?

A. “I feel like a kid again.”

 


 

Q. How do you know when a redneck is on her period?

A. She’s only wearing one sock.

 


 

Q. What do you do with a one legged dog?

A.Take it for a drag.

 


 

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I need to get some birth control for my 10 year old daughter.”
The doctor looks at the man in shock and asks, “Your 10 year old daughter is sexually active?”
“No”, the man replies, “She just lies there like her mother.”


 

Q. What’s blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A. A baby with burst armbands.

 


 

Q. What do rednecks and KFC have in common?

A. They both do chicken right.

 


 

Q. How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

A. Call her on the phone.

 


 

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

 


 

Q. What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A. A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

 


 

Q. What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

A. He wiped.

 


 

Q. Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?

A. So it doesn’t explode when you fuck it.

 


 

Q. What’s yellow and green and eats nuts?

A. Gonorrhea.

 


 

Q. What does a 300 lb gerbil do?

A. Puts gay people up its ass.

 


 

Q. What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?

A. Putting them back in the wheelchair when you’re done.

 


 

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman “Can I smell your vagina?”
“Fuck off, no you can’t smell my vagina!!! “Oh.” he replies, looking slightly confused. “It must be your feet then.”


 

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?

A. Not being retarded.

 


 

Q. How do you get a baby to run faster?

A. Chase it with the lawn mower.

 


 

Q. How do you circumcise a redneck?

A. Kick his sister in the chin.

 


 

Q. What is the definition of a redneck virgin?

A. A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

 


 

Q. How do you swat 200 flies at one time?

A. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

 


 

The Little Rascals While in class one day, the teacher called upon the class to spell certain words she gave, and then asked them to use them in a sentence.

The teacher called upon Darla and said the word COPY.
Darla spelled the word correctly and used it in a sentence.

The teacher than called upon Alfalfa and said the word JAIL.
Alfalfa sucessfully spelled the word and used it in a sentence.

The teacher then called upon Buckwheat and said the word DICTATE.
Buckwheat spelled the word correctly. His sentence was —

“Hey Darla, how my DICTATE?”

 


 

Q. What’s red, slimy and crawls up a woman’s leg?

A. A home-sick abortion.

 


 

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”
“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”


 

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A. A fruit stand!

 


 

Liz Taylor was having another birthday. Wanting to do something special for herself, she decided to have vaginal reduction surgery. She picked out an exclusive Beverly Hills hospital and explained to the doctor that this had to be real hush, hush. If the tabloids picked up on this she would be ruined. The doctor assured her that nobody would know about the procedure, and she agreed to have it done. Seven hours later, Liz awoke to find three vases of flowers in her recovery room. Outraged that there had to be people who knew she had vaginal reduction, she called in the doctor. “Who the hell sent me flowers?”,she screamed! “Relax Liz, the first vase is from the team of doctors, the procedure went splendidly”, he replied. “What about the second?”,she asked. “Those are from the nursing staff, they are huge fans of yours.”, he said. “Well how about the third vase?”, she asked. “Oh, those are from William down in the burn unit, he says thanks for the ears!”


 

Q. What’s the difference between cowboy hats and tampons?  

A. Cowboy hats are for assholes.

 


 

Q. What screams a lot and is red all over?

A. A baby with a razor blade!

 


 

Q. Which is easier to unload; a trunk load of bricks, or a trunk load of dead babies?

A. The dead babies of course! You can’t unload the bricks with a pitch fork!

 


 

Q. What does a girl from Alabama say after having sex?

A. Roll over Daddy, you’re crushing my cigarettes.

 


 

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like sex?

A. The little boy in my trunk.

 


 

Q. What’s 18 inches long and women love it?

A. Crib death.

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A. Neil Armstrong has walked on the moon, Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

 


 

Q. Why did Raggedy-Ann get kicked out of the toybox?

A. She was sitting on Pinochio’s nose saying, “Lie to me, lie to me.”

 


 

Q. What is the difference between a hooker and a whore?

A. One costs more.

 


 

Q. What’s black and white and red all over?

A. A nun on her period!

 


 

Q. What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A. A sheep!

 


 

Q. What do you call a German virgin?

A. Gutantight!

 


 

Q. What’s the difference between a coffin and a condom?

A. You come in one and go in the other!

 


 

There’s two girls standing by the dance floor in a night club. A bloke walks over and says to one of them “Do you fancy a dance, Love?”
She replies “Yes, I would love to.”
“Well fuck off and dance then. I want to talk to your mate!”


 

Q. What’s the difference between pink and purple?

A. Your grip.

 


 

There was a Catholic Priest walking through the mountains. He stumbles upon a little boy sitting by a cliff crying. So the priest asks the little boy what was wrong and the little boy replied, “Well Mommy and Daddy and I were out having a picnic and Mommy and Daddy got into an argument. Mommy pushed Daddy and Daddy pushed Mommy and they both fell of the cliff and died on the rocks below.” So the priest looks at the little boy, unzips his own zipper and says “Well I guess this is just your unlucky day.”


 

Click here for “30 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral”


 

Q. What does a 70 year old snatch smell like?

A. Depends.

 


 

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung!

 


 

Q. What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A. Hairballs.

 


 

A guy says to his wife, “I’m in the mood for some 69.” She says, “It’s that time of the month, but if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.”

They go into the bedroom, and are 69’ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, “Answer the door.”

He says, “But my face is a mess.”

She says, “It’s just the mailman. Answer the door and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”

He opens the door and says, “I’m sorry about my mouth, I was just eating a jam sandwich.”

The mailman says, “I wasn’t looking at the jam on your mouth…I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.”

 


 

Max is an embalmer. One day he says to his boss, “There’s a problem with Mrs. Jones.” The boss says, “What’s that?”

Max says, “I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”

The boss says, “That’s impossible. Let me see.”

They go to the table where she’s lying and Max flips back the sheet, then points and says, “See? There’s a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”

The boss takes a closer look and says, “You dumb ass, that’s not a piece of shrimp. That’s her clit.”

Max says, “Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp to me.”

 


 

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and to tell it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Frank, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Frank walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Frank had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” said Frank. “Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Frank, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”


 

A doctor enters the hospital cafeteria with three spots of blood on his shirt. The other doctors ask him what he’s done. “Well.” he said, “A guy in a car crash lost his arm, so I sewed it on again and he is back using his typewriter already.”
Another doctor enters the room, with only one spot of blood on his shirt. They ask him the same question and the doctor says, “A man got hit by a train and lost both his legs, so I sewed them on again and now he’s out running a marathon.”
A third doctor enters fully covered with shit. “What the fuck did you do?!” they asked. “Well.” he said. “Nothing special. I had to pull a tooth, but the fucker wouldn’t open his mouth.”


 

Three blokes go to a building contractor to apply for jobs. The first man goes in and sees that the boss is over by the window. “GREEN SIDE UP!” yells the boss. The man is confused, but doesn’t want to say anything. The next man comes in after him. After his interview, the boss runs over to the window and shouts again, “GREEN SIDE UP!” The exact same thing happens with the third man. Comparing notes at the end, they decide that they want to know why the boss was acting so strange. So they all go back in and ask the boss.
“Oh, it’s OK”, he says. “We’ve just got some Irish turf layers in this week”.


 

Two whales are swimming in the ocean and one whale spots a whaling ship. He says to the other whale, “Those bastards killed my family! Will you help me get revenge?” The other whale agrees. So they swim under the ship and blow it over with their blowholes. The whale is happy with this and swims away. As he looks back and sees the men swimming to safety, he says to the other whale, “Come help me swallow them up” to which his friend says “Hey! I just did a blowjob! I’m not about to swallow any more seamen!”


 

There was a man that went into a bar one night. He sat at the bar and a little man in a green suit and green pants sat beside him. The man thought that he was seeing things because he was drunk, so he decided to go to the bathroom. The man stood at the urinal, and sure enough the little man came into the bathroom to the urinal. The man finally got up the courage and said, “Hey, you’re one of those leprechauns…Aren’t you?” The little man thought about it for a minute, then finally answered, “Yes I am.” Then the taller man said, “That means I get three wishes then, right?” Sure enough the little man said, “You do, but first I get to butt fuck you.” The taller man thought about it for a while, then decided and said, “OK”. So the little man bent the taller man over the urinal and butt fucked him till he was finished. Then the little man said, “You look like you’re about 35 or so, have a wife, and maybe a couple of kids.” The taller man said, “Ya, I’m 37, have a wife, and I have one child, a son.” Then the little man started chuckling and said, “…And you still believe in leprechauns?”


 

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: “Doctor, something is wrong… I can’t feel my legs!”

Doctor: “Yes, we’ve had to amputate both your arms.”

 


 

You know you’ve had a good Blow Job when…

1) You have to pull the sheets out of your ass when she is done.
2) Your dick has the dry heaves for three days afterward.
3) The head of your dick is twice the size of your balls.
4) You swear off sheep for good!

 


 

An airliner has crashed into a cemetry outside Poland.
Rescuers have been working for a week.
So far they’ve recovered 4,000 bodies.


 

What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A whore fucks everyone at the party.
A bitch fucks everyone at the party except you.


 

Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!!


 

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
“Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, “I’m making tea!”


 

Mike’s wife was furiously humping away with her husband’s best mate Jack when suddenly the phone rang.
She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation.
“Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
“Oh, that was Mike.” She replied calmly.
“Oh shit, I’d better be going then!” he said. “Did Mike say where he was?”
“Relax, he’s down at the bar, playing a few games of pool with you.”


 

A horny guy dropped his pants, and his new girlfriend was dismayed to see that he had only a 2-inch pecker.
“Who the hell do you think you are gonna satisfy with that?” she demanded.
“Me” said the guy, with a smile.


 

Q. How many men does it take to open a can of beer ?

A.  None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

 


 

This fella walks into a pub and announces to the barman, “Mate, have I got some Irish jokes for you!”
The barman leans over to him and says: “Listen, if I were you, I’d watch what I said. Both the bouncers are Irish, I’m Irish, in fact, everyone in this bar is Irish.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” says the fella, “I’ll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.”


 

Q. What do you get if you cross Loreena Bobbit and Monica Lewinsky?

A. A cigar cutter

 


 

A little old guy says to the doctor, “You gotta help me.
Every morning at seven o’clock I take a nice long pee, and then at eight,
just like clockwork, I take a big healthy crap.”
The doctor says, “What’s the problem?”
“I don’t get up ’till nine.”


 

There was a young man named Sweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And he slipped his girl a martini.

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